weaponizedhorse:

lamborghinea-pig:

the-quasar-hero:

lamborghinea-pig:

the-quasar-hero:

lamborghinea-pig:

the-quasar-hero:

lamborghinea-pig:

the-quasar-hero:

lamborghinea-pig:

the-quasar-hero:

I’m the real estate agent that sells obviously haunted houses to nice white families that want to get away from it all.

I would like to give you my business. I’m tryin to die penniless and leave nothing but a found footage film to my kids in the will

Then oh boy, do I have the forest cottage for you! Far from anyone that could help you, it has a gorgeous view of a lake where dozens of people have gone missing. There’s a rumor of a killer that raises from the water, but this place has an excellent porch

Is there a small, dark washing room in the basement corner that’s at least ten degrees colder than the rest of the house? That’s a must.

Yes. And there’s a latch window that always seems to swing open in the middle of the night.

Wonderful! I especially love how cell receptionist patchy at best, making any attempted outgoing call to the police as dramatic as possible.

I think you’ll also love how it’ll immediately become pitch black as soon as the clock strikes 5:00 pm no matter the time of year. There’s also no stars for some reason.

Did the previous owner leave any religious iconography that could slowly appear to distort and corrupt over time, or will I need to furnish that myself?

Let’s just say I definitely didn’t put these area rugs here myself to cover a few ornate symbols drawn in blood 😇

You’ve got a sale!

This post deserves so many more notes. I could not breathe the other day trying to read this out loud to my mom it was so fucking funny

(via likeawildthing)

glixbitch:

glixbitch:

everyone is at home with their shit wifi and causing this post to take off again

(via pestilentmuse)

musings-of-a-monster:

Before COVID shut the library down, I was helping a little boy and his mom find books.

“What do you like to read about?” I asked.
“Dinosaurs!”
This is common request, but can mean different things, “Okay. Do you want a story about dinosaurs, or facts about dinosaurs?”
“Facts.”
I took him to the dinosaur section (567.9) of the juvenile nonfiction. He picked out a couple books, and I asked him if there was anything else he was looking for.
“Do you have anything on DNA?”
I had to think about that for a second. “I think so…but I’ll have to look it up.”
The boy beamed, “I want to find out how DNA works, so I can bring them back!”
“We just saw Jurassic Park,” his mom explained with a smile that did not waver when she added, “We didn’t learn anything.”

(via chimericaloutlier)

carlisle-the-daddy-cullen:

They need to redo twilight by just having the actors go back to the filming locations and try to recreate it from memory

(via roe-your-boat)

thosekidswhohuntmonsters:

google: are Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan friends

Anthony: *talks about seb’s couch for one minute straight in great detail*

(via padfootdidit)

just-odradek:

h1king33k:

warmpockets:

warmpockets:

i’m watching an art theft documentary and they’re interviewing this art history professor from new york who was asked to go with the fbi to authenticate a rubens that had been stolen but it was a sting operation so they had to pretend like they weren’t the fbi, that they were some private buyer about to pay $3.5 million for it, and the fbi was like “this is a VERY delicate operation because you never know how they will react to what you have to say so let the agent do all of the talking, don’t say a word to anyone just nod if it’s the rubens, the last operation we did the guy in your position got shot because things went wrong in a second” and then it cuts to the professor’s interview and he says “i wasn’t going to fly down to miami to be a part of an undercover fbi sting operation to handle what could be rubens’s aurora and just NOT say anything. i was gonna have to ad lib a little” and then he tells the interviewer that when he & the fbi agent got to the hotel while he was examining the painting he started lecturing the other people, first on how badly they had wrapped it, and then about like how it had been painted, the history of it, what the subject was and what she was doing, etc etc, and he was like “i hadn’t taught a class on rubens in 15 years, so for me it was like being back in the classroom except my students couldn’t leave” 

at one point during the deal the professor turned to the woman selling it and he said “isn’t this just the most beautiful rubens you’ve ever seen outside of a museum?” (because the fbi had told him earlier that this piece had been stolen from a museum) and THEN he said “where on earth did you get it from?” and the group of people the woman had with her was like taxidermy-fox.png but the woman was like “inheritance” can you IMAGINE the fbi agent about to have a fucking aneurysm when this random guy you’ve brought in just to nod if it’s the right painting not only starts giving an impromptu lecture but then he asks how they got it

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B4Zm-Aa74Y&t=2613s

omg BLESS YOU for the link and the time stamp that was as glorious as described by the OP

(via likeawildthing)